It's Okay

I have been thinking about this post for a while now. Basically, it goes like this: "It's okay."

I haven't written much about our personal situation of late. Most of the posts from the past year have been links related to NLD that I've found one way or another. Many are worth returning to. Nalo Hopkinson's video might be the best.

I also wanted to go back to a comment I made in a post from 2008. It was a post that gave an overview of some books about NLD. About Briding the Gap: Raising a Child with Nonverbal Learning Disorder by Rondalyn Varney Whitney (2002), I wrote:

The tone of this book is like a Beach Boys song on a summer day. It is soothing and cheerful and it is hard to imagine that there is anything wrong with the world. However, there is much wrong with the world, and I just couldn't sustain the optimistic frame of mind implied by this book all the way through to the finish. There is much in this book that is useful, and others may find the tone more suited to their view of the world, but I ultimately decided I wanted to know more "hard truths" and a more neutral approach to the condition, its ramifications and remediations.

Two years later, I'd like to qualify my qualification. In short, I'm more optimistic now. It's okay. We're doing okay. My step-son, now ten, is doing great, in fact.

With increased maturity has come increased self-awareness, better ability to emotionally regulate, increased self-confidence, fewer (hardly any) "meltdowns," and a wicked, wicked sense of humour. (Some NLD literature says NLDers don't get humour; Varney Whitney dismissed that as untrue; I do, too.)
With the passage of time, we (the adults) have also learned to better manage the environment to remove unnecessary stimulous, to reduce unpredictability in time planning, to more openly discuss expectations in advance, to reinforce the essential ambiguity of many things, to emphasize that everyone is different. In short, to try to keep the world simple while acknowledging its unavoidable complexities.

And it's working out for all of us.

We have also taken advantage of different classes of professionals. Teachers in grades 3, 4 and 5 have been great, and our communication with them as been so, so much better than the annus horrilibus of grade 2. A good teacher makes all the difference.

We also continue to seek service from a child psychologist and have gone to social skills groups.

This fall, our 10-year-old has demonstrated (asked for, just gone and taken) more independence than ever. He has walked to school alone, for example. Age appropriate behaviour, yes, but not an opportunity he sought previously. Similarly, he is more capable of dressing himself, bathing himself, brushing teeth, and even doing bits of homework. With verbal reminders. With support from an accommodating environment. With the foundation of the comfortable feeling of home.

A note on accommodation is where I want to end this. There was a story in today's NY Times on giving Alzheimer's patients whatever they want, including chocolate. It made me think of our NLDer (strange but true). Three years ago I couldn't settle in my head how much accommodation was too much. I asked a couple of professionals along the way.

Isn't our job as parents to teach him to look after himself?

Yes, but ... always remember the difference between can't and won't. This has been, without a doubt, my biggest challenge as a parent of an NLD child.

I am a generous and patient person, but how long do I have to wait? All the professionals said what I ought to have known already: Everyone is different. We can't tell you. But you can't force it.

I have had to learn an even greater degree of patience. And I'm here to tell you: It's working.

It's okay. We're okay. Our journey continues.